Days after, sympathetic looks and over exaggerated sighs became the logo of communication. Even then trying to forget became a challenge. I didn’t want to hear what the latest news about “it” was. My head was so wrapped up in painting myself in the shade of “I’m fine,” and ignoring the truth (which I genuinely still do) that I let the lion starve.
No one, and I mean no one should leave a lion starving, especially when you eventually HAVE to (by all means) face it and feed it with your own hands. Instead of facing what I felt, sitting down with myself and thinking about the magnitude of emotions I had then and now, I busied myself with whatever I could find. From reading books to mindlessly talking to friends as if all in the world was well.
Generally you’d think that there was some type of way in processing whatever was going on inside my rib cages, sadly there seems to be no actual step by step manual that tells me how to get this over with. Keep in mind this lion has not been fed and its growls rumble harshly against thin skin.
You’d think the answer would be just as simple as throwing the towel and facing it all.
But what does it mean to face it all? Do you mean to tell me that if I run headfirst into this storm that somehow in someway I’d survive? That I’ll come out from the other side just fine? It’s easy to say “yes, I will” but to genuinely open up and “explore” whatever I feel is much harder done than said.
Waking up constantly, suspended between the feeling that this was a very harsh nightmare that my unconscious somehow conjured up and the eerie uncomfortable idea that yeah…this…is real happens often.
“It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to get angry and punch the wall, rip your poetry out of frustration. Everything that you do right now is happening because of it… Let. It. Happen. Don’t shut your emotions down, because it will hurt…it will hurt much more than what you feel now.”