Lets say that I did just that and opened up… what would happen then?
So in the end it’s better for me to lie to myself and ignore everything, no matter how many pounds I gain or lose, no matter how many tissue boxes I do or don’t buy, no matter how many times I lose it or don’t. I’ll keep lying to myself because I can’t face this. I can’t honestly admit it, believe it and live with it. I can’t wake up in the morning, waiting…hoping that he’ll beat me to the bathroom to make wuduh before me. That maybe I’m still in this horrible nightmare, yet I know every second, minute and hour I spend is just as real as the fact that he won’t be back. And I can just as much profusely repeat “His gone,” and still those words will stay empty because I won’t believe it.
I have had many things come my way, many times I faced the challenge and dealt with it. Yet now, I can openly say that I’m running away from this, eyes shut and bound fists around a lie. I’m bound to fall and scrape my knee, bruise my elbow and break my nose, but like always I’ll be “fine” or “great”.
Basically, the reason why I’m sharing this with you all is because in order for me to believe my own lies, I don’t need nor want your sympathy or awkward looks and never ending sighs, much less do I need your words of how “strong” I may be. I don’t want to answer questions about how things are because that’s a question worth NOT answering (and the answer is just as obvious). I don’t want to hear about how beautiful his smile was, because you won’t be the one to miss it every morning as much as my family and I. I don’t want to hear about how young he was, because you won’t be the person to wish every day that you could trade places with him. Neither will you sit years later thinking of him, because you will move on but I wont. Denial has been more to me as a friend than a foe and I’d much appreciate it if you didn’t bring him up to me, because I will say my lines “That every thing is meant to be,” and reenact my role in this play that’s been inscribed in me. I’ll tell you now that, in those words I will not be the one to speak but my character will.
“In the end you lie to yourself until you see the sky to be green and the ground to be blue.” – Chai