Save Your Condolences: Part 1

20131128-204956.jpg Much to my dismay, I’ve been faking through my days. Keeping up with whatever came up. As if nothing has occurred within this past month. As if I didn’t hold my heart in my hands and watched it bleed outside my chest. In all honesty, as a child I’d play off my pain. Reassuring others that even with this bleeding knee, bruised elbow or bloody nose, that I was in fact all right. Reassuring others became my way of ignoring whatever storm ran within me. Besides, distraction became my only hope for sanity. So riding as far from whatever was happening inside, kept me from breaking down and admitting that I was hurt. Growing up, I learned to reassure others, twice as fast and “walk off” whatever pain came my way. Dealing with my pain, anger or sadness was like dealing with a hungry lion. Deadly. So like any (ab)-normal person, I’d just as much put it off.
Yet little did I know that as time passed by, the roars and growls of this lion in me became tense. Shaking my very being. It’s hard to fake through days on end, endlessly reassuring people and strangers that “things happen, this was meant to be.” Lying became more of a friend to me than a foe, lying about how I felt and letting others feel just as well as they did many month before this happened became my goal. Restoration of the old me, as the new me struggled to pick my broken soul in time for the next blow became my theme song. It’s an eye opening experience, one that I would never wish on my worst enemy.

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